Mar. 06, 2003 - 8:36 p.m.
Communication is a very tricky thing. Just when you think you've finally explained yourself in a clear and reasonable way, someone will certainly shoot that assumption full of holes.
I'm tired of having to explain and repeat myself. There is just no possible way I could ever have a connection with someone who cannot see beyond the end of his nose. Granted, I will give you that I am a flighty individual, prone to dramatics and becoming more or less a changechild given my surroundings, but you would think, someone who has shared so much of the essense of what and who I am, would be able to see past the facade and truly understand the motivations that lie beneath.
Alas, I must be much better of an actress than I ever gave myself credit. C'est la vie. I will cry some day over this loss, but not now.
Now I am just tired and disgruntled, slightly relieved, but mostly concerned for someone else. Thank the fates for friends with much greater problems. It helps put your insignificant losses in perspective.
It was like an addiction anyway. I thought it was need, but truth be known, it was merely desire. Whatever it was named, it certainly wasn't very healthy for me, and I was a fool to pursue it even on a casual basis. Gambling with your life is not a very effective way to stay sane. But at this point in my life I must prefer sanity and closure, else I would have made different decisions.
There will be other joys in my life that will slowly and surely heal any marks left by this pain. I am, despite my failures, ever the optimist or so it seems. Right now all I want is to curl up and spend some quality time pampering myself and nursing my injuries.
My SO off in another state, my best friend lost in some fucked up Russian peasant village, my sage godmother in limbo, and my mentor in a hell all his own, what's one more loss in the great sea of losses? I guess I'll just have to put my angsty abandonment issues on the back burner so I can get through the next month without falling to pieces.
And bury the secrets deep so that they don't shatter my carefully laid life.
