Apr. 15, 2003 - 6:26 p.m.
How to Achieve World Domination in Seven Easy Steps
By Misery Magdalena Tasser
Mrs. Waterson
Fifth Grade
Step One: Create the legends
This is the one that takes the most time. You have to try and kill yourself and fail, but make it look like you did or something like that. You have to remember all the things the other vampires say and use those same lines but not in front of them but in front of others. Then you have to learn to levitate or move objects or catch things on fire with your eyes. This is the part I’m always having trouble with.
Step Two: Collect your people
You have to be careful and collect only the people who will go along with your plan and not chicken out. My best friend Jenny is in charge of collecting the people, which is really step three, but that’s ok. Always pick out the ones who follow you with their eyes or who get in trouble in class. Tell them it’s a secret club and make them stick their fingers with a pin and you get to lick off the blood. That part really isn’t necessary, but it’s an easy way to get them to bleed. But I have a rule that you can’t just scratch off a scab, because I think that’s kind of nasty.
Step Three: Delegate authority
That means you have to have positions and jobs for all of your people. Jenny is in charge of new recruits. Bobby gets to stick the new members and make them say their oath of swearing. But you should always keep the important stuff to yourself. You must do all the writing and the rules and you have to sit in judgment when they do not follow the rules and think of the right punishment for them when they mess up. But you can’t be too hard on them or they will leave the secret club and try to start their own. Then you will have to go to war with them, and that takes up too much time. You’ll end up in the principal’s office and he doesn’t understand why world domination is so very important.
Step Four: Get rid of the other clubs
This is a very important step, and you have to do it here. If you wait till the end then the other clubs will steal all your domination. So, as Uncle Vlad always says, “Kill them all and let the gods sort out the mess.” I think that’s important. But we are not allowed to kill people yet, so you will just have to hurt them or steal all their people. Oops, I forgot, but back in the step where you collect all the people make sure you have at least one big boy or girl in the group, so they can slap their hand with a bat and stand behind you. It makes you look good. And you will collect many more people this way, and it works well with this step if you steal the other club’s peoples.
Step Five: Time to start the agenda
Now that you have collected people and put them in their places and got rid of the rest of the groups, you will have to find something to keep your people. It is time to unwrap the agenda. You have to make a good speech to your people. It is best if you get your big brother to help you out. He will write you a good speech with words like “insidious” and “malcontents” and “justice for the oppressed”. These are all very good words to give your people. Here are some more you can suggest to your brother: dominion, overlordship, birthright, conquest, inalienable rights, superiority, and other ones like that. Also, remember to call your people “my children” or “my family”.
Step Six: Make your people do the dirty work
Once you have fired them up, then you make them buy all the stuff and train the army. Don’t ever use your good people for the army. Use the ones you don’t really like or want around. When they are finished their training, make them go conquer the world. This is the easiest part, but sometimes it takes a little time. Try to get people who don’t have early curfews. There are many things that you still have to do at this time, but they are all easy common sense things and I am running out of space.
Step Seven: Sit back and enjoy
You should try to be nice to the people and to the minions they conquered, but not too nice. Remind them all that you are the one who rules. This is the time when you can buy your mom a new dress and be so nice to her that she won’t make you go to bed. Also, this is when you get to close all the schools. Make sure you have someone like Jenny who can plan your ceremony of rulership, and you should start shopping for your dress early. Also, pick out a title that goes well with your name. I haven’t gotten to this point yet, but I am sure that when I have I will have much more to say on this matter.
Editor's Note: The spelling and some of the grammar have been corrected from the original text.
