May. 26, 2003 - 12:53 p.m.
I've learned some interesting tid bits in the last year, and perhaps maturity crept up unannounced, but I would never admit such an intimate experience in such a public venue. I prefer to tease you with hints instead.
But during these months in which I was absent, a few changes occurred, and I feel inclined to share them with you.
My family has exploded and tentative bonds with like minded souls have grown deeper and stronger and have marked my life in ways that I still do not fully understand. I care more now about what happens in far flung places because it might affect loved ones.
I feel more fragile and afraid now. There are parts of my soul and my psyche that I have buried and kept carefully guarded that are now exposed and vulnerable to injury from a misunderstood remark.
I've watched myself give up freedoms that I thought were everything to me in order to fill a need that is somehow greater. And I have reluctantly concluded that fate may very well be a powerful entity that orders my life as opposed to my misconceptions I have held dear: the idea that somehow it was I that controlled the events of my life.
I am starting to understand this notion of regret. Although I will never allow it to have a stranglehold on my soul, there is something almost sublime in it. It is the admission that I cared enough about something to regret losing it that captivates me. It is also somewhat of a startling revelation that I could ever lose something I valued.
It seems like we have finally found a crack in my vanity.
I'm finding it hard to articulate these days and as a result the majority of my entries get thrown away long before I even think of hitting the "done" button.
I am very human in some respects. I do not like to face reality when it does not mesh with my preconceived notions of how it should be.
The poetry has left me as I bare more of myself. It comes out in blunt fits, and I am appalled by the lack of artistry in it. I haven't had much practice with honesty, and the truth is rarely beautiful or even wildly imaginative.
I doubt that this moment will last for long, but I felt the need to confess that it has impacted me.
The core of who we are never changes, but it does grow to encompass much more than even our vivid imagination can comprehend. And as it interacts with other souls, it adds layer upon layer of complexities.
But who wants a shallow soul?
