Aug. 27, 2003 - 3:49 p.m.
Sometimes there is an emptiness that eats away at me. As if the only thing that could fill this void is far beyond my reach. It is not depression or sadness, although they often travel in its wake. It is emptiness, a deep, dark pit that contains nothing even remotely life like.
When I was young and of a more romantic bent, I used to think that my soul mate would fill this hole inside of me. That merely frequent contact with him/her would someone magically put this pain to rest. But years have taught me that this missing aspect is not another person, but part of myself that is irrevocably lost. I say "irrevocably" because it is too painful to allow hope to surface in regards to this. It is much easier to just push it to the side and go on with my life. Temporary amnesia is the only balm.
People wonder at times, why I do not stay still, why I rush through things, why I have a constant need for distraction: It is because when I am still this void rushes up and demands attention. And I am left feeling damaged and lost and incomplete. I have also, in the past, had a tendency to take more drastic measures to fill the void, and I have been reminded often enough that such things are not moral or permissible in today's society.
I think this is one of those major psychological issues a shrink loves to locate, so that they will find some sort of meaning for emotions and behaviors. As an intellectual exercise, I'm sure it has some value, but psychology is NO science, but rather a lexicon and a list of unanswered questions.
My mother says, "GOD is the answer!" but I've tried that route, and the emptiness remains. I've dabbled in just about every religious path that has any merit, and still I am fractured.
Love is not the answer, nor passion, nor revenge. Although, all three do have excellent distraction value in the meantime.
There are fringe theories galore dealing with astral complications, lack of essential chi, vampirism, alien abduction, (the list goes on and on) that sometimes seem to fit the circumstances, yet not one of these theories offers a concrete solution for FIXING the fucking problem. Is this the price of humanity or am I alone with this void?
Where is the missing piece; what is the missing piece? What is the thing I have been searching for my whole life, and why can't I identify it? Why can I not find it?
I go through this cycle of emotions (quietly, now that I am an adult and can no longer indulge in adolescent fits) repeatedly. There is no chemical imbalance. There is no hormonal imbalance. There is no biological or medical reasoning behind this. This is NOT depression or bipolar disorder. This is not anything but this quiet, nagging ache that to which I have spent my time and much effort searching for the origin and the answer.
And still nothing....
